I WON'T GO BACK (I WON'T GROW UP)

(A man and a woman are staring at their screens, where their boss is about to start.)
(Quiet vamp)

BOSS: Are you ready for today’s meeting?
BOTH: Yes, sir.
BOSS: I have an announcement to make. Starting Monday, all personnel are expected back in the office. Full time. No exceptions.

(They both close their laptops and glare at the camera.)

MAN: I WON’T GO BACK!
WOMAN: I WON’T GO BACK!
MAN: LET ME THINK ABOUT IT—Naw.
WOMAN: To that cubicle? Not moi!
MAN: I DON’T WANNA TAKE A SHOWER.
WOMAN: I DON’T WANNA WEAR A BRA!
MAN: AT HOME, I’M FREE! AT HOME, I THRIVE!
WOMAN: BESIDES, I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE!
BOTH: I’LL NEVER GO BACK,
NEVER GO BACK,
NEVER GO BACK,
NOT ME!
MAN: I WON’T GO BACK!
WOMAN: HE WON’T GO BACK!
MAN: NO MORE SCHLEPPING EV’RY MORN,
WOMAN: NO MORE SCHLEPPING EV’RY MORN,
MAN: NO PRETENDING TO BE BUSY,
WOMAN: Look at him! He’s really busy!
MAN: WHEN I’M REALLY WATCHING PORN!
WOMAN: Hey, does Twitter count as porn?
MAN: AND NO MORE SHELDON FROM I.T.
TO MONITOR MY BROWSING HISTORY,
WOMAN: HE’LL NEVER GO BACK,
MAN: NEVER GO BACK
BOTH: NEVER GO BACK
MAN: NOT ME!

(Bridge)

WOMAN: NEVER WEARING SKIRTS AND HEELS,
MAN: SHE WON’T!
WOMAN: LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY TRY
AND MAKE ME!
MAN: ANYONE WHO WANTS TO TRY
TO MAKE HER FLY TO KURDISTAN—
WOMAN: CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!

MAN: I WON’T GO BACK!
WOMAN: I WON’T GO BACK!
MAN: TELL THE OFFICE GANG GOODBYE!
WOMAN: CATCH YA LATER, GANG, GOODBYE!
MAN: I AM STAYING HOME FOREVER!
WOMAN: I AM STAYING HOME FOREVER!
WELL, UNLESS I MEET A GUY.
MAN: RIGHT, UNLESS I MEET A GUY.

(A capella, slowly, with harmony)

BOTH: UNTIL THE CEO CAN VOUCH
AN OFFICE CHAIR IS BETTER THAN MY COUCH…
WOMAN: I’LL
BOTH: NEVER GO BACK,
NEVER GO BACK,
NEVER GO BACK…
MAN: Read the room, Jack!
BOTH: NOT ME!